How to Deal With Angry Kids

By Marilyn Suttle

What do your children do when they are really angry with each other? Do they work out their problems peacefully? Do they walk away from each other to cool down? Do they express their anger with words? If your answer is a sarcastic, "Yeah right," then your family may benefit from a creative method that stops kids from hitting and protects them from each other while they work together to calm down and regain good feelings. This method makes the choice of hitting more trouble than it's worth.

"You sit when you hit," is an empowering parenting tool with unexpected benefits that you have to see to believe. You no longer have to figure out who started the fight. You don't have to preach, lecture, or punish. You don't have to make their problem into your problem.

When I first considered this idea of having the children sit when they hit, I was skeptical. I just knew that my children wouldn't stay seated. They would simply get up and the whole process would fall apart. Sometimes though, when the kids wage war against each other and nothing else seems to work, a parent becomes willing to experiment with new methods. As I pulled my two young boys apart from each other, I firmly told them, "You sit when you hit."

I walked them into the family room and put one child on the couch and the other on the love seat. I explained the rules, "You each have to stay seated until you both agree to let each other up." I made sure they understood that neither child could get up from their seats until both children were given permission from each other. I turned off the television and moved away any toys within their reach. I left the room knowing full well that this just wasn't going to work.

Just as I thought, within 10 seconds my oldest said to my youngest, "This is the dumbest thing mom has ever had us do. Let's get up." Well, so much for new methods. But then I heard the little voice from my three-year-old. This small voice from a boy who always seemed to be overpowered by his bigger brother said, "I'm not letting you up."

My six-year-old was outraged. "What do you mean you're not letting me up? You let me up right now!" Younger brother, continuing in a soft yet angry tone replied, "Nope. I'm not letting you up." From the kitchen where I was listening, a large smile formed on my lips. I thought, "It's working. I wonder what's going to happen next."

Older brother screamed, "You have to let me up. I mean it. You let me up!" After a few attempts at threatening and commanding, he realized it was getting him nowhere. Then he began whining, "I don't wanna sit here anymore. I wanna get up." When whining didn't work, he tried bribing and insulting and then went back to whining again. As he experimented with different forms of communication, he was learning that none of them were effective in engaging his brother's cooperation. Suddenly, it got really quiet. Having calmed down, the youngest announced in a pleasant voice, "Ok, I think we should let each other up now." What a surprise to hear his older brother vengefully reply, "No. You had your chance. I don't want to get up anymore. You're just going to have to stay there." Shock and disbelief permeated through that three-year-old boy, "No way. I want to get up!" The six-year-old slyly smirked, "I like this couch. I can sit here all day." It was now the younger child's turn to coax and convince his older brother to let him up. I don't want to seem cruel, but I was really enjoying this.

Now I could clearly see why children will allow themselves to stay seated. While they are filled with rage, they have a small amount of power over each other. Having the power to make the other child sit, makes it too irresistible to get up themselves. This also puts kids in a position to vent their frustrations, come up with ideas, solve problems, and learn what works and what doesn't while remaining safe from each other.

Well, after the youngest tried a variety of unsuccessful attempts to get up, it once again got very quiet. I started getting nervous. Would this go on all day? Would their angry feelings continue to ping pong back and forth?

Would they ever get up? A full three minutes went by. Then it happened. I don't know if it was because of the beautiful sunny summer day they could see out the glass door wall, or if they were no longer angry or maybe they were just bored, but I heard the older brother say, "You know, I guess if we let each other up, we can go outside and play together in our sand box." His younger brother became excited, "Yeah, let's do it." Then, quite officially he said, "I let you up!" The other one followed his lead and announced, "I let you up!"

I peeked into the family room. My eyes just could not believe what they were seeing. The boys linked arms and ran out the door wall and into the back yard. They played joyfully in the sand box for the next 45 minutes. Where was I during this whole process? Out of sight, so they could focus on their problem. It is crucial to leave the room. If you stay, you pay. Children are much more likely to put on an emotional show with a parent in the room. Why did they feel so good about each other when they got up? It seems that in order to let each other up, they had to work through their angry feelings and cooperate. They had to agree. They had to work together as a team to reach their goal, and together they succeeded.

Over the years, when I enforced the "sit when you hit" rule, the boys would begin focusing on solutions to their disputes. They began setting limits and rules with each other so that they wouldn't end up having to "sit" or "hit" again. Let's take a look at the steps to make this new family rule work with your kids.

Step 1: When the children hit, acknowledge their anger and tell them, "You sit when you hit."

Step 2: Have each child sit on a seat far enough away so they cannot touch each other.

Step 3: Explain that both kids must stay seated until they give each other permission to get up. "Dana, you can't get up until Jennifer lets you up." "Jennifer, you can't get up until Dana lets you up." Be careful that they do not misunderstand this. One father told me that his daughter gave permission for her brother to get up, but the brother would not let his sister get up. She was stuck crying at her chair as her brother ran around. This is against the rules. No one gets up until both children are given permission to get up. Tell them, "Only after both of you have given permission to each other, can either one of you get up."

Step 4: Take away distractions. While they sit allow no television, books or toys.

Step 5: Leave the room. If you stay, you pay. The parent who stays gets pulled into the problem and shifts the siblings attention off of the real issue.

The idea of hit and sit has many variations. In one variation, only the hitter is made to sit for a set amount of time. I do not recommend this because it is truly remarkable the amount of abuse one child will take, including getting hit, in order to get the other child into trouble. Another variation is to have both kids sit in silence for a set amount of time. While this gives the kids time to cool down, it robs them of the opportunity to learn to use their words to make things better. Allowing the kids to talk encourages them to use problem solving communication and strengthens their ability to look for solutions.

Marilyn Suttle provides personal and professional life-skills presentations, including parenting, work/life balance, and self esteem. Email her at MsSuttle@aol.com or visit her web site: www.SuttleOnline.net