Choose Words of Praise Carefully

By Marilyn Suttle

You have a bright child, but lately she has been underachieving in school. You can't understand it. She's always been so smart. You know she's capable of much more. What do you do? You want to be positive and show confidence in her. So you praise her, "Honey, you're such a smart girl. I know you can do it." Will this type of praise help motivate your child to achieve? Recent scientific studies have shed new light on how praising intelligence can backfire and lead to underachievement.

Dr. Carol Dweck, Professor of Psychology at Columbia University, conducted studies with 412 fifth-grade students. These children of different backgrounds, living in various parts of the country, were given a simple math assignment. All the children easily completed the assignment. The children were then praised. Half the children were praised for their intelligence, "You're really smart at this. You got a high score!" The other half were praised for their effort, "You worked hard and got a high score!" The same children were then given the choice to do another similar assignment, or a more challenging one. Those praised for being smart, chose the easy assignment. Why? Perhaps they didn't want to risk losing their title of being "smart." In contrast, the children who were praised for their efforts, chose the more challenging task.

Next, Dr. Dweck gave the students a more difficult task. This task was purposely set up so the children would not do well. Interestingly, the children who had originally been praised for intelligence, became discouraged and saw their poor performance as a sign of failure. The children who were praised for their effort saw the task as an interesting challenge and enjoyed working on the more difficult problems. The study continued as students were given their third task to complete. This task was much easier than the last. The children who had originally been praised for being smart and then did poorly on the second task, did worse on the last, easy task. Quite the opposite was true of the children praised for their effort. On the final task, their scores were better than ever.

The different types of praise produced dramatically different results in the way the children viewed themselves. When praised for being smart, the children felt pressured. They believed that to remain "smart" they must always succeed. If success means your smart then failure means you're not. Mistakes threaten the children's view of themselves. They also came to believe that effort was something to be avoided. The children believed that if you're really smart, tasks should come easy to you. The process of learning becomes too risky. Upon being interviewed, two-thirds of the children praised for being smart, said they would prefer tasks they could "ace" rather than tasks they could learn something new from. The children praised for their efforts, formed a completely different set of beliefs. They believed that mistakes were a sign that more effort was needed. They saw intelligence as something which they could control and improve through more study or effort. Making a mistake for these kids didn't shake their ability to stay with it, practice and persist. Praising the children's effort made them more resilient. Ninety-two percent of the children who were praised for effort said they would choose to take on a task they would learn from, even if it didn't make them look smart.

I contacted Dr. Dweck to ask her the question many of you might be wondering. "What if a parent has been praising their children's intelligence for years? Can children who underachieve be redirected?" Dr. Dweck responded, "Even if parents have been praising their children's intelligence for a long time, children will respond to a change. Parents and teachers have reported to me that when they start praising for effort, children often reorient quite rapidly. In my studies, it took only a few instances of effort or strategy praise for students to become more interesting in learning and to show a vigorous and effective response to difficulty." Dr. Dweck's research can be found in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. (Vol. 75, No. 1, p. 33-52)

To encourage and motivate children, be sure to praise efforts and actions. Avoid the kind of praise that evaluates. Evaluative words such as: smart, talented, thoughtful, wonderful, are less helpful than words which describe specific efforts or actions that you notice about your child.

Descriptive praise gives the child a clear picture of her positive actions, and allows the child to evaluate herself. When you praise effort, "You studied all week, and got an A," the child thinks, "I'm smart!" When you say, "You practiced very hard and performed your solo flawlessly," the child evaluates herself, "I'm talented!" Instead of saying, "You are such a thoughtful child," describe his efforts, "I noticed you helped grandma wrap all the presents." The child then sees the comment as proof of his thoughtfulness and is inspired to be even more helpful in the future.

What will you say when your child complains that her homework is too hard? A comment like, "You're so smart! I'm sure you can get an A on that assignment," implies that the child's "smartness" holds more weight than the child's effort. Replace it with, "A tough assignment like that is going to take time and energy to complete." Here your words convey empathy for the child's situation and highlights the idea that the effort put in will lead to success. After completing the assignment, remember to praise her efforts. "Wow! You finished that difficult assignment. You worked on it, figured it out, and got it done! That's persistence!"

Marilyn Suttle provides personal and professional life-skills presentations, including parenting, work/life balance, and self esteem. Email her at MsSuttle@aol.com or visit her web site: www.SuttleOnline.net